Reader...If it's not an inconvenience to you, I need to write something a bit more personal tonight. Forgive me. This venue of expression does me good.
I feel trapped. Not desperately trapped, no. Quietly, subtly trapped- inside myself. I grew up as one person and have become a completely different one. You might say, well, that's the natural process of growing up. But when your new self entirely contradicts your old, how do you express that to your family? To the people who have always applauded your personality, your beliefs, your convictions? I'm not trying to come out the closet, I'm not trying to break any news of pregnancy. No, mine is a bit more simple. But it doesn't feel simple.
My belief system no longer aligns with my family's, and while I stand by my beliefs when directly asked about them, I find myself trying to avoid question or conversation about it. I don't want to see the look of disappointment on their face. The look that might say, "How can you be my child?" "How can you be my sister?" "How can you be my granddaughter?" I'm not ashamed of what I believe. I don't want to lose relationships because of it, though. If I spilled to the whole family, "I'm a pot-smoking hippie who thinks love and peace are more important than religion and law!" ...I don't see that going over well. I see torches and pitch forks in my future.
And of course my beliefs are much, much more complex than that little comedic statement, but the idea is that my whole family consists of conservative Christian Southern Baptists. That's almost entirely the opposite identity of my own. And I damn well don't know what to do.
Reader, tell me you love me. Tell me you appreciate my thoughts here on this bit of internet space. Tell me I'm doing the right thing by exploring who I am. I sometimes feel like I'm just up against a wall with it. Like my wings are being crushed underneath the weight of my history. People say about me, "She's a good Christian girl with a solid head on her shoulders." Is that what I am? Skinny dipping and lighting my pipe in the woods? Telling the atoms in my body that they are gods in themselves because they are fundamentally everywhere? Looking into the night sky and saying, "Fuck the ground. I'll be up there one day"?
How trivial my problems are. How minuscule and insignificant. I'm afraid of what those people will think who share my blood. Heaven forbid.
Tell me how to face them, reader. Tell me how to stand up for myself. I'm hesitant even to share this blog with everyone for the thought that my mother or brother find it and reprimand me for my heathen ideas and philosophies. I gave it out to Twitter, but Facebook will have to wait a while. More people. More looks. More condemnation. Why the hell should I care? Susan! Look at yourself! You are intelligent, you are beautiful, you're blessed with imagination and thought! Look.....Hell. When did this happen...
I'm going to leave you tonight with a happy thought. No point in dwelling on things that will work out in time. I just need to give it time. Let fate run its course. Let the sun rise tomorrow and the stars return at night. I find comfort in the consistency of our universe...I find comfort in the knowledge that I am the person I am supposed to be at this moment in time. As are you, reader. We are both who are we supposed to be right now. And tomorrow we will be tomorrow's. Judgement cannot affect that. Hate, love, confusion, heartache, nothing can change the fact that we are always who are meant to be at the moment in time when we question that very thought. Can we choose to evolve ourselves? Can we alter our own destiny? If we think we have control of our lives, would it matter if we didn't? Perception, after all, if reality.
Reader, you're a loyal friend if you've read this far. I might apologize for my spill of...whatever this was...but my questions may be helpful and encouraging to someone across the world or even right next door. I've poured a little bit of heart out tonight. Accept it or brush it aside. It will always be here if you need it again. For the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in Ypsilanti. I wish you a gentle night and a good morning. Until next time...