2:13am. For weeks now I haven't been sleeping. It's gotten worse in recent days.
I've learned to make pottery, and learned that I actually have a natural knack for it. I've been turning pots and mugs and plates and honey jars like I used to turn cardboard into rockets. I'll write a piece sometime about how it feels to work with the clay and let your fingers gently mold its smooth and pliable form into a great piece of art. The feeling is so natural, so invigorating.
We've also been exploring the mountains and waterfalls in the area. That too is invigorating. It gives me an immeasurable sense of purpose to dance down the roots and rocks of a cliff side, heart pounding, adrenaline rushing, to reach the bottom of a waterfall and look up at its magnificence and beauty. I run like a child when I run through the woods. I'm happy like a child when I run through the woods.
One night we went out to a lake (one tucked away from the main roads enough that only locals go there). We hiked a small trail to the beach. White sand, vast blue water, strikingly beautiful, green trees that lined the shores like soldiers protecting their queen. I threw off my over-shirt and kicked off my shoes. Dug my toes into the sand for a moment, and sprinted into the water, splashing into its muddy shallows with no grace and complete joy. We had a small fire where we cooked supper and ate, staring off into the orange and blue clouds that rose like ancient giants above our mortal bodies. I came home with sand in my clothes and a heavy load of rocks I'd collected as I ran up and down the beach exploring. I was simply happy.
2:31am. There's a reason I've not been sleeping. This week in South Carolina has not been without purpose. I was only vaguely aware of what would be revealed to me when I came here. I did not know I would learn things about my past that have haunted me all my life like an unseen weight on my chest that I could never explain. The panic attacks, the substance abuse, the depression, the torturous thought processes and always feeling so misplaced in life. I never knew. But now that I know, I cannot sleep. Each night I turn the light out and try to settle into sleep, but my mind feeds on the idleness. It needs time to process, and during the day I fight it too much. And then I never sleep.
Insomnia. Another sign. Imagine that.
I can accept it for now. I'm not sure that I can accept the cause of my symptoms, and am so far in the second stage of the process. And then I ask if I have any process to go through at all, and I'm back at stage one. I had no idea...I had no idea of the far reaches. No one ever does, I think.
These are my nights. I count the clock and wrestle with myself until I throw off the covers and march around the house like a mad soldier at night. Too much to deal with, but too much at stake not to. Far reaches.
Tomorrow we hike some more. I'm very much looking forward to it! We'll wake around 8:30, turn some more pottery, fire the dry pieces I think, and then head for...I can't remember where we're going. But then it's late. I didn't even realize there was a home computer in the house until I'd already told everyone that the internet connection was down- it was only the wi-fi. Home computer, check. Problem solved.
I feel so trapped. Trapped in a closet like an old jacket. I can only drown myself in the South Carolina sun for so long. So much light shed on my life, and so much that I almost wish had stayed behind the clouds. But for truth's sake, do I go on? Ignorance is not bliss. It's sure as hell a lot less painful sometimes.